My witch has informed me that my requisite Year-and-a-Day of training will soon be completed. Then I will become a full-fledged Familiar!
I must remind myself to remain Humble in light of this Important Promotion, and yet, her announcement has caused me to reflect back upon a few of the many lessons I’ve absorbed over the past year:
Meditation is a boring activity reserved for older and slower cats. However, if you happen to be caught napping during your witch’s ritual and claim that you were actually doing this thing called “meditating”, you will manage to avoid a scolding.
Your witch’s Purification Baths should only be observed from a Safe Distance…preferably the top of the toilet or the far side of the room.
Never turn your back or tail on a candle spell. Such spells can also be hazardous to whiskers. Alert your witch immediately if either appendage begins smoking.
Sacred Time is whenever you want it to be… especially if there is a bell on your collar.
Your witch will occasionally require your aid in focusing magical energies during a spell or ritual. Pretend to be interested…
AND…whenever your witch is mixing herbs, insert your face into the bowl and generously contribute ALL your magical energies in one gigantic Sneeze - thus effectively scattering the bowl’s contents to each of the Four Quarters. Your witch will be so impressed that she will actually shout your name.
Do not attempt to play pendulum games with your witch. It will only piss her off when you continuously manage to capture the bauble, thus winning the tournament. (Witches, I'm sorry to say, are rather sore losers!)
There are 4 magical elements and this is what I’ve learned about each of them: Air produces things like birds, fairies, butterflies and other fun creatures to play with. Fire will burn your tail & whiskers, but when captured within the confines of a hearth, is soothing to gaze at for hours on end. Water is best avoided except when thirsty and Earth (often in the form of sand) is excellent for pooping.
Tarot cards, when arranged in a pleasing pattern, make an excellent mat on which to pretend to meditate. When doing this, use your mental powers to turn your normally light and nimble body into a solid heavy mass that’s impossible to budge. Your witch will be duly impressed and eventually reward you with pleasing treats designed to lure you off the cards.
Do not dial 911 when the moon disappears. This happens on a regular basis - about once a month - and whoever keeps taking the moon (Probably teenagers!) always seems remorseful and returns it within a few days.
Broom flying is a difficult skill to master. Realizing this, your witch will be patient and provide you with daily opportunities in which to practice. However, resist the temptation to practice when she produces a mop. Mops are associated with the Nasty Element of Water and are beneath the dignity of any self-respecting familiar.
Every door is a magical threshold. Never, under any circumstance or even for an instant, allow your witch to confine you to one side or the other of such a portal. Remember: It is your Right to be on the Other Side of Every Door!
That’s it for now, kittens… although I’m sure I’ll think of more accumulated Wisdom later.