Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Celestial Maintenance Problems

This morning, directly after breakfast I went outside to play in the garden. 
Rapidly, however, the sky darkened and began leaking water at an alarming rate.  
This serious rupture apparently created an electrical problem Up There, because Lights also kept flickering on and off.  

It seems that Gods can't see well in the dark, because They immediately began crashing into the furniture and making a terrible booming racket!

I considered the possibility of one of Them tripping and then tumbling out of the sky and landing on Yours Truly.  “Squished by a God” might look impressive in history books, but I certainly did not want that to be MY epitaph!

I streaked through the garden, then skidded across the porch and  planted myself halfway up the screened entrance to my witch’s cottage.  There I clung for several long minutes, dripping wet and mewing piteously.  She finally had the grace to open the door and pry me off the screen.

And…can you believe it?  My witch was laughing!  She must be powerful indeed that a Heavenly Catastrophe of this magnitude only causes her amusement.

As for this little cat?  Well...  Yours Truly shall be securely tucked under his witch's bed until the Gods get this whole plumbing and electrical problem sorted out!

Friday, May 18, 2012

The Uncertain Future

Over the past year, my witch and I have established a routine.  It is as constant as the moon.
Cancel that.  One thing I’ve learned through my magical observations is that the moon is always changing. 
So, okay… our routine is as constant as the sun. 
Wait a minute… the sun seems to shift and vary also.  It has to do with what my witch calls “Seasons”.
Okay, how about the stars?  Hmmm, no….  my witch has me studying this thing called “Astrology” and apparently the stars are changing in the sky every few minutes!
Good Gods! Does EVERYTHING in the universe go through Changes?
Apparently so!    Even the simple things in Life that, at first, seem certain, reassuring and constant….like my witch’s and my daily routine.
This afternoon, when I came in from playing - promptly at 4pm I might add, as per our arrangement - my witch, for the first time, did NOT offer me tuna with all its delicious juices as she has every day since I was a kitten.   Instead, she dumped canned catfood in my bowl .
I’m not sure that I can face Tomorrow now with all its terrible uncertainties!

Saturday, May 12, 2012


My witch has informed me that my requisite Year-and-a-Day of training will soon be completed.  Then I  will become a full-fledged Familiar!
I must remind myself to remain Humble in light of this Important Promotion, and yet,  her announcement has caused me to reflect back upon a few of the many lessons I’ve absorbed over the past year:

Meditation is a boring activity reserved for older and slower cats.  However, if you happen to be caught napping during your witch’s ritual and claim that you were actually doing this thing called “meditating”, you will manage to avoid a scolding.

Your witch’s Purification Baths should only be observed from a Safe Distance…preferably the top of the toilet or the far side of the room.

Never turn your back or tail on a candle spell.  Such spells can also be hazardous to whiskers.  Alert your witch immediately if either appendage begins smoking.

Sacred Time is whenever you want it to be… especially if there is a bell on your collar.

Your witch will occasionally require your aid in focusing magical energies during a spell or ritual.  Pretend to be interested…

AND…whenever your witch is mixing herbs, insert your face into the bowl and generously contribute ALL your magical energies in one gigantic Sneeze - thus effectively scattering the bowl’s contents to each of the Four Quarters.  Your witch will be so impressed that she will actually shout your name.

Do not attempt to play pendulum games with your witch.  It will only piss her off when you continuously manage to capture the bauble, thus winning the tournament.  (Witches, I'm sorry to say, are rather sore losers!)

There are 4 magical elements and this is what I’ve learned about each of them:  Air produces things like birds, fairies, butterflies and other fun creatures to play with.  Fire will burn your tail & whiskers, but when captured within the confines of a hearth, is soothing to gaze at for hours on end. Water is best avoided except when thirsty and Earth (often in the form of sand) is excellent for pooping. 

Tarot cards, when arranged in a pleasing pattern, make an excellent mat on which to pretend to meditate. When doing this, use your mental powers to turn your normally light and nimble body into a solid heavy mass that’s impossible to budge.  Your witch will be duly impressed and eventually reward you with pleasing treats designed to lure you off the cards.

Do not dial 911 when the moon disappears.  This happens on a regular basis - about once a month - and whoever keeps taking the moon (Probably teenagers!)  always seems remorseful and returns it within a few days.

Broom flying is a difficult skill to master.  Realizing this, your witch will be patient and provide you with daily opportunities in which to practice.  However, resist the temptation to practice when she produces a mop.  Mops are associated with the Nasty Element of Water and are beneath the dignity of any self-respecting familiar.

Every door is a magical threshold.  Never, under any circumstance or even for an instant, allow your witch to confine you to one side or the other of such a portal. Remember: It is your Right to be on the Other Side of Every Door!

That’s it for now, kittens… although I’m sure I’ll think of more accumulated Wisdom later.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Protecting Witches

Ages past… in fact, several months ago, when I was just a kitten…the older and slower cats informed me that one of my duties as a Familiar-in-Training was to protect my witch from dark entities that lurk around the house and garden.
 When they first told me this, I did not understand.  Surely my witch’s powerful magic was protection enough?  Nevertheless, I took their instructions to heart and set about my Duty.
I quickly found many such dangerous creatures rustling and hiding amongst the ivy and beneath the boxwood hedges!
My witch refers to these beings as  “baby lizards” and “Fairy Dragons”, but any Familiar knows that baby dragons grow up to be big and terrible dragons!  (I assure you – I have done my homework and read the tales!  I am, therefore, well -versed in such arcane matters.)   These diabolical cbeings must be exterminated before they can breathe fire and grow too big for kitties to wrestle with!
So, what I don’t understand is how a witch, as wise and knowledgeable as mine, can have such a soft spot for these slithering entities in their diminutive state!
I exhausted myself today, chasing and pursuing one of these potentially lethal monsters in and around the hedges.  My unsuspecting witch was at her potting bench on the porch, sticking green things in containers, totally unaware of the danger!
When I finally captured and deposited the scaly creature next to my mistress (So that she would know I was doing My Job and protecting her) she actually dropped her trowel and scooped up the little dragon!   Seeing it was still alive and only stunned, she gently deposited it in the bed of ivy beneath the pomegranate tree.  And then, she had the gall to invite me inside the cottage for some tuna!  Did she think to distract me?
Undeterred, I gave her the Look that she deserved and then started my hunt all over again!
And now I know why the older and slower cats said it’s My Job to protect her…. Because witches are soft hearted idiots!  I’ve concluded that it must be their one weakness and explains why they need a Familiar.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Ostara - the Bunny & Egg Holiday

Another holiday!  Why do witches have so many?  I’ve lived here for almost a year now and it seems like every time I twitch a whisker, there’s another celebration we must prepare for.  There’s absolutely no downtime!
This one is called “Ostara” or “Eostre” after some racy Goddess of yore.  It must have something to do with eggs and rabbits because my mistress suddenly took it into her head to position a great quantity of both, along with fresh flowers, around the house.  As if there wasn’t enough clutter already!
I will admit that, usually, her holiday arrangements are tasteful and artistic… But when she starts scattering cute little ceramic bunnies about the place, I really must put my paw down! 
I’m sure we can do better than this!
So I ventured across the road and into the hills this morning (at grave risk to life and tail) and used my incredibly sensitive nose to sniff out the real thing for her.
When I journeyed back to the front door, mewing proudly and loudly as I could past the mouthful of real bunny fur, I was fully prepared for my witch to come running out in a high state of excitement.
What I was NOT prepared for was that she would begin to throw the gardening slippers that she keeps by the door at me!
In my astonishment, I dropped the bunny.  The uncooperative creature  began to hop away.  I turned to give chase and that was when my mistress  performed the Most Unspeakable Act!  She actually grabbed me by my tail and then dumped me inside the house on the wrong side of the screen door!
She then began chasing the rabbit around the garden, flapping her apron at it.  Did she think the bunny was going to obligingly hop into her apron?  Humans are Terrible hunters!  Naturally, the rabbit got away.
Which just goes to show how much Witches need their Familiars…  Now, if only they would let us do our job!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Spring Cleaning

Good Gods! 
My witch is “Blessing” the house again!  She calls it “Spring Cleaning”.  Correct me if I’m wrong but….Didn’t we do this LAST year?

This time it involved (among the usual horrifying activities)  spreading sticky wax on the wood floors and scrubbing kitchen walls with buckets of cleaning potion that are large enough to sacrifice a cat in… namely Yours Truly!

I made myself scarce.

The fish in the pond outside amused me for a while until a rustle in the boxwood hedges distracted me. 
For those of you who are ignorant in Feline Anatomy:  my ears are ingeniously fashioned by the Gods in a manner that funnels sound and allows me to calculate the exact trajectory of an interesting noise. 
Fearlessly and without hesitation, I pounced!  

The resulting battle was of epic proportions!   (Okay, admittedly it was a very young gopher and the fight only lasted a minute, but it would have been big and mean in a few weeks and, ultimately, I won!  That's all that counts.)

I’ve often heard my witch complain of gophers ravaging her garden, so I proudly laid the result of my “Garden Spring Cleaning” on the door mat.  I also concluded  that I’d saved her trip to the grocery store. Was it unreasonable of me to expect her to shower me with praise and tuna?

However, when she stepped out the front door to call me in, the look on her face was anything BUT grateful!
I don't understand.  After all, I was only helping…